I wake and check my phone, like I did everyday, except today is different and there is no message from Sir wishing me a good day.The bedroom feels cold as I lie naked in my bed, Autumn is beginning and soon I won’t be able to be naked all the time like I was everyday, but there’s no need to ask Sir for permission to wear something warmer than my silk kimono.

I walk to the station, today I was supposed to do my weekly task and take my panties off while on the train; I wonder what the point is if I can’t tell Sir all about it. As the train pulls in I decide I just can’t face the day and walk back home, fighting the tears in my eyes.

Later I call L. she’ll distract me for a while, we’ll watch videos, listen to music and laugh together, it’ll be good. Except nothing makes me laugh, I can’t shake this sadness off of me. “Let’s do your nails” L says, and I look at my nails painted bright red as Sir liked them. When I looked at them I smiled, a reminder I was owned and cherished.Now I can paint my nails any color I desire … “No, let’s leave them red for a bit longer, I am not ready” I tell L.

6 o’clock comes around, at this time I would start my ritual, getting ready for Sir to play with me. I would run a bath, soak for a while, then put my make up on: red lipstick, black eyeliner. Naked with just my black high heels on I would wait for him. Today I am lying under my bed covers, feeling empty, feeling lost and scared.

I call P, you need to be here to rescue me once again, to not let me drown, to tell me I made the right choice because right now it doesn’t feel like it, right now I just feel adrift.
I am poison, I tell him, I kill everything I touch, he hugs me and says “ Yes, you are pretty thought. Pretty poison”