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neverwasteadirtymind:

tillybloom:

My bedtime has been a topic of conversation since I first met Sir, he
was amused at first at my erratic sleeping patterns.

Later, when I got
sick, being mindful of keeping regular sleeping patterns became an
integral part of my recovery. I resisted Sir imposing a bedtime rule,
protesting that it made me feel like a child. Mindful of this, Sir would gently suggest I take care of myself and try to get regular sleep
but didn’t make it a rule for me to be in bed by a certain time, I
was just expected to go asleep at a reasonable hour.

It’s hard to
break a habit of a lifetime and I found myself late at night on Tumblr, I
received a DM from a guy complimenting my blog, I answered to thank him and we
started messaging back and forward, what at first was an engaging and
respectful conversation soon turned sour, I won’t get into details,
suffice to say I was left upset, confused and unable to shake off how
bad I was feeling. Was I being stupid? Overreacting?

Unable to
contact Sir, feeling confused and guilty for not putting a stop to the
conversation as soon as it started to feel uncomfortable, I reached out
to Instructor 144 for feedback and, yes, reassurance that I wasn’t
blowing things out of proportions. Instructor kindly reassured me that
my feelings were valid, I felt much better and resolved to tell Sir
all about it the very next day.

After a conversation with Sir in
the morning, he was upset that I stayed up late wasting time
on Tumblr, so we resolved to have a rule for my
bedtime.
Of all the rules I have this is the hardest for me to
adhere to, I am a nocturnal animal after all. So I fucked up, feel
asleep while watching a movie, missed checking in with Sir and taking my
medication. My punishment was to write Sir a sign, I was really sorry
but let’s face it, as punishments go writing a pretty sign isn’t the
worst, I actually enjoy doing stuff like that, knowing that Sir will
appreciate my efforts.

After that incident things were going great for a
while, I went to bed early, took my medications regularly and all was
good. Until it wasn’t and I once again missed my bedtime.
I woke up
the next day to a message from Sir, pointing out how I broke the rule by
going to bed late, it hurt so much to read he thought I did it
deliberately, when it was an accident on my part. I am not a brat, I
don’t enjoy breaking the rules just to get a reaction, I was only late
by less than an hour, if it was deliberate I would have stayed up all
night. Still, I broke the rule and was prepared to take my punishment
without (much) discussion.
Sir decided my kneeling privileges would be taken away for three nights.

That knocked me sideways, I felt the tug of the leash.

It
really hit home when, after he used me,  I couldn’t kneel for him. That is
the moment when I feel the need to kneel for him the most, to show my
gratitude, to please him, to thank him, especially after an intense
session. I felt so sad and was silently willing him to ask me to kneel, but of
course he never did and I would have been disappointed if he had, no matter how sad I felt I also felt a powerful sense of submission.
It felt like the first time I was punished, suddenly it
wasn’t a game anymore, I felt so lonely that first time, confused and
sad. It took me some time to accept that, once I took my punishment, I was truly forgiven.

I needed this tightening of the leash, it made me realize that
Sir pays attention and will hold me accountable, but I am no less cherished when I stumble.

P.S. Ironically I missed my bedtime again as I was editing this post last night, no kneeling for me this morning.

I am the one who has the privilege of having @tillybloom
call me Sir.

When we first met on Tumblr, she was up at all sorts of
hours. It was her summer vacation from uni, so she didn’t really have anywhere
to be at any particular hour on any particular day.

Two weeks after we met, she offered herself to me as my submissive.
She was (and is) a precious gift to me. A gift that came with a great responsibility.
Here was this young woman, inexperienced in D/s, giving herself to me, showing
me this unconditional trust, not really knowing what she might be getting
herself into. So, ever since, I have tried to be worthy of her trust.

I was, as she says, amused by her erratic sleep pattern. It
was convenient that she was awake in my evenings, which, due to time
difference, was in the middle of the night for her. But, in the back of my
mind, I knew this was not good for her.

Then she got sick. I knew that regular sleep was important for
her health. So, I tried gently to make her go to bed at a decent hour. I even
tried to keep myself from checking if she was awake and ready to play at odd
hours – the sacrifices I made!

Much happened, and this summer, when she was over the worst,
but still vulnerable, she gave herself to me again, with the stated purpose of using
her desire to please me to help her get better. We negotiated rules that I
would hold her to. I never hold her to something she had not agreed to.
However, it soon turned back into our full-fledged long-distance D/s
relationship

Bedtime was still a sore spot. I knew it would be
counterproductive to impose rules that she did not really agree to, so we made
a soft agreement that she would go to bed “at a decent time” and not
turn night into day.

This is when Tilly found herself up late at night, on
Tumblr, time forgotten, receiving a compliment on her blog that turned into an
unpleasant conversation that upset her. Since this was late at night, and I was
traveling near her time zone, I was asleep, so she could not reach me.

Instead, Tilly reached out to @instructor144 (sorry, Tumblr won’t let me tag). I think that
was smart of her, and I am very grateful to Instructor for validating her
feelings and reassuring her, when I was unreachable.

One of the things I want Tilly to take away from our
relationship is a strong set of expectations for what is reasonable dom
behavior. So, when she told me about it in the morning, I was not upset that
she had been on Tumblr. Nor that she had talked to other people on Tumblr. I
want her to talk to people and get other perspectives. I want her to be able to
get reality checks on me and make sure I am not unreasonable or gaslighting
her. I want her to have a safe and enjoyable time as she explores D/s. But I
obviously don’t want her to have experiences like this one.

So, I was not upset with her for having the conversation. I
was surprised that she didn’t shut it down as soon as it turned sour, since
timid is usually not a word that describes her. But we talked about it and
agreed on a rule for when she is to shut a conversation down, fixing one part
of the problem.

We also agreed that she would set her message settings so
not just anybody can message her, as another part of future damage control. I
still want her to talk to people, but not the trolls of the internet.

The only thing that really upset me was that she had stayed
up late for no good reason, doodling around on Tumblr, wasting her time.  She acknowledged that this was not in her
self-interest, so, reluctantly, she agreed to a set of bedtime rules. And,
before you conclude that I am an unreasonable hardass, let me share that the
rule is that she has to go to bed at 1 AM during the week and 3 AM on weekends.

Tilly has (what I consider) a bad habit of just letting
things happen and not stay in control when it comes to ending evenings. So, a
week later, she fell asleep while watching a movie with a friend, not messaging
me good night (I can live with that) and not taking her medication (I was
seriously unhappy about that). It was entirely predictable. It was far from the
first time she had fallen asleep to a movie with a friend.

I punished her in the gentlest way possible. The main part
of any punishment is letting her know that she has disappointed me. It is my
principle that no punishment can be something I enjoy – so, no spankings or any
other D/s fun. I should have no incentive to punish her, except her wellbeing
and to give her a good D/s experience. So, all her punishments to this point
had been writing letters of apology or making pretty signs acknowledging her digression.
The sign being the gentlest one. So, a sign it was. Another firm rule is that
once she has served her punishment, the slate is wiped clean and she is
forgiven. That is the end of it. I don’t circle back and re-open the issue. I
am not resentful. I make a point of letting her know she is cherished
throughout the process of punishing her. I never take away my fondness for her.

A couple of weeks later she broke her bedtime rule again. By
about an hour. This is when it is hard being a dom. I knew bedtime was a sore
subject with Tilly. It was “only” an hour, so no real harm done. I
knew how upset she would be, if I punished her. It would be so much easier to
just let it slide. But what about next time she missed by an hour? Or two
hours? When would I call her on it? And, when I finally did, would she feel I
was an unreliable and arbitrary enforcer of her rules? So, I decided to call
her on it. I accepted that I would upset her and have to build her back up
after I punished her. I made the hard decision. Because she has given herself
to me – given me this incredible gift of her submission. Because she deserves a
reliable enforcer of her rules, I had to live up to my responsibility as her
owner.

Tilly kneels for me morning and evening. This ritual is
important to her. She knows it is a treat for me as well. Who wouldn’t like to
have a naked submissive woman kneel and offer her obedience? I decided her
punishment would be loss of kneeling privileges for three evenings. I knew it
would feel like a loss to her. I knew that she would feel that by breaking her
bedtime rule, she was depriving me of the pleasure of having her kneel for me.
I knew that she would feel terrible about that part especially. This was by far
the harshest punishment I had ever given her.

Tilly accepted her punishment. Predictably, she felt
terrible, so I set about comforting her and building her back up. Letting her
know that she was no less cherished because she had stumbled and messed up. But
that she had to take her punishment. It quite frankly hit her even harder than
I had expected. Even though we kept talking throughout. Even though I still
used her and had her please me and let her know how much she pleased me. She
still felt terrible.

So, after two days, I gave her back her kneeling privileges.
She didn’t beg or plead. She was ready to take the third evening of her
punishment. But the lesson had been learned. The point had been made. So, I was
not going to rigidly refuse to change my mind and be lenient. I am comfortable
with my domliness. I can be forgiving and gentle, when that is called for. So,
I let her kneel for me the third evening. I let her know that she was forgiven
and that the slate was wiped clean. That I cherished her as much as I ever had.

Tonight, Tilly is at a concert. She is going to stay out
late. She is going to stay at a friend’s house overnight. She has asked in
advance and received a late-night pass and permission to not sleep at home. I
am sure she is having a good time. I am sure she is feeling cherished and owned
and cared for. I am sure she is feeling my leash controlling and guiding her,
but not strangling her. I am sure she is my happy, submissive whore.