Tag: personal

My bedtime has been a topic of conversation since I first met Sir, he
was amused at first at my erratic sleeping patterns.

Later, when I got
sick, being mindful of keeping regular sleeping patterns became an
integral part of my recovery. I resisted Sir imposing a bedtime rule,
protesting that it made me feel like a child. Mindful of this, Sir would gently suggest I take care of myself and try to get regular sleep
but didn’t make it a rule for me to be in bed by a certain time, I
was just expected to go asleep at a reasonable hour.

It’s hard to
break a habit of a lifetime and I found myself late at night on Tumblr, I
received a DM from a guy complimenting my blog, I answered to thank him and we
started messaging back and forward, what at first was an engaging and
respectful conversation soon turned sour, I won’t get into details,
suffice to say I was left upset, confused and unable to shake off how
bad I was feeling. Was I being stupid? Overreacting?

Unable to
contact Sir, feeling confused and guilty for not putting a stop to the
conversation as soon as it started to feel uncomfortable, I reached out
to Instructor 144 for feedback and, yes, reassurance that I wasn’t
blowing things out of proportions. Instructor kindly reassured me that
my feelings were valid, I felt much better and resolved to tell Sir
all about it the very next day.

After a conversation with Sir in
the morning, he was upset that I stayed up late wasting time
on Tumblr, so we resolved to have a rule for my
bedtime.
Of all the rules I have this is the hardest for me to
adhere to, I am a nocturnal animal after all. So I fucked up, feel
asleep while watching a movie, missed checking in with Sir and taking my
medication. My punishment was to write Sir a sign, I was really sorry
but let’s face it, as punishments go writing a pretty sign isn’t the
worst, I actually enjoy doing stuff like that, knowing that Sir will
appreciate my efforts.

After that incident things were going great for a
while, I went to bed early, took my medications regularly and all was
good. Until it wasn’t and I once again missed my bedtime.
I woke up
the next day to a message from Sir, pointing out how I broke the rule by
going to bed late, it hurt so much to read he thought I did it
deliberately, when it was an accident on my part. I am not a brat, I
don’t enjoy breaking the rules just to get a reaction, I was only late
by less than an hour, if it was deliberate I would have stayed up all
night. Still, I broke the rule and was prepared to take my punishment
without (much) discussion.
Sir decided my kneeling privileges would be taken away for three nights.

That knocked me sideways, I felt the tug of the leash.

It
really hit home when, after he used me,  I couldn’t kneel for him. That is
the moment when I feel the need to kneel for him the most, to show my
gratitude, to please him, to thank him, especially after an intense
session. I felt so sad and was silently willing him to ask me to kneel, but of
course he never did and I would have been disappointed if he had, no matter how sad I felt I also felt a powerful sense of submission.
It felt like the first time I was punished, suddenly it
wasn’t a game anymore, I felt so lonely that first time, confused and
sad. It took me some time to accept that, once I took my punishment, I was truly forgiven.

I needed this tightening of the leash, it made me realize that
Sir pays attention and will hold me accountable, but I am no less cherished when I stumble.

P.S. Ironically I missed my bedtime again as I was editing this post last night, no kneeling for me this morning.